WARNING: sex may lead to conversation

So, I had intercourse with my friend Dave last night, and it was faaaaaaantastic! It always is with Dave, we’re just so in tune with other, we really fire one another up. Jumping from position to position, we can keep it up for HOURS!! Although, his boyfriend wasn’t in on the act last night, so it felt a little naughty… I crept back home, exhausted, at midnight, and mum had left a light on for me, bless. If she knew what I’d been up to that night though, well, let’s just say…

She wouldn’t have been surprised at all.

She knows I can talk the hind leg off a donkey, I inherited that from her anyway, so it’s not unusual at all for me to spend a decent amount of the night talking. She knows I’m quite happy to have intercourse on a fairly frequent basis with as many partners as possible! And from the womb I’ve witnessed her doing the same thing!

Intercourse is great! And I should be really thankful that even as a single person committed to chastity, I can have it on a regular basis, even with men.

And in fact, I’m not sure I could cope with my singleness if I didn’t have regular intercourse with male friends. I absolutely love my girlfriends (even though I’m a bit of a useless friend at times, but I hope they know I love them!), but I’ve always gotten along well with guys and my life is greatly enriched by their friendship.

Physical chastity is a lot easier when I can draw some comfort from the friendship of men.

I have to admit though, I’ve gotten a little greedy about Dave recently… But I blame my subconscious…

Apparently not satisfied with our enjoyable and chatty dinners together, my subconscious has begun demanding more, in my dreams. This happens semi-regularly for me, and other single gals I’ve spoken to, who are honest and real enough to share their lives with me, also experience it. A whole set of super vivid dreams, night after night that torture us during the day with their emotional residue.

Cos the thing about regular intercourse is it begins to plug the hole where ‘companionship’ normally lies.

I feel I’m making no sense at all, so I shall try to elaborate.

Y’know how when people get old, and say, their spouse of many years has died, and they re-marry cos they “miss the companionship”? Not the sex, but the joy of sharing life?

Well that’s what intercourse is about, right? The desire for sexual intercourse is not just physical, it’s a deep emotional desire to connect with another person, and a relationship, rather than simply repeated acts-of-sex is about companionship. Ongoing intercourse with someone.

So, my brain, acting on this desire for companionship, every now and again peoples my dream world with phantasms of this desire. Two nights ago, I literally dreamt a long walk on the beach! Just walking and talking with a friend (well, according to the physics of these things, a person who doesn’t actually exist in my real life) who, evidently, in the dream, like my friend Dave, was not my partner, either sexually or legally, but in the dream, as in real life, I just enjoyed the company and the friendship so much I began to feel sad IN THE DREAM, that this was finite, and I couldn’t go home with this person and make them keep talking to me…

And so, back in real life, I do find myself feeling greedy about Dave, and other friends. Instead of enjoying what I do have (the opportunity for many an enjoyable time together, discussing theology, ecclesiology, the use of air fryers and the general wonderousness of food), I wish it could go on and on forever, or, as my subconscious demands, that it would go on forever, exclusively.

And I think this is the greatest battle for a single person committed to chastity. Ultimately, even sex comes second place, it’s a secondary act to the primary act of intercourse. What we truly desire is a giving and receiving of self, and no matter how we resist the sexual pull, the desire for intercourse will remain, and sting, and drive.

For every teenage lover who asks their youth group leader why would it ‘actually’ be wrong to have sex (we love each other! It wouldn’t be hurting anyone! I’m going to stay with this person forever!), there are people struggling with the deeper chastity issue of relationship, beyond sex.

What can and should intercourse look like in the life of a single person?

And, when we strip it all back, if sex ended but intercourse remained, wouldn’t we all still enjoy ourselves…?

I think I need to be intentionally more thankful for the intercourse I do have, the relationships I have, and the way they nourish my soul. I could spend all my time moping the lack of ongoing, committed, exclusive intercourse in my life, or I could rejoice in the many opportunities I have for deep relationship and just be grateful for them! The dreams make this hard, I wake up sad for the loss of something imaginary, and it can be a hard feeling to shake. So, pray for me, if you like, or for the ones you actually know. Pray God will meet their deepest needs for companionship and love, and praise Him for His provision in your life.

And let’s ponder together a future when sex will end, there will no longer be giving and receiving in marriage, because we will see God face to face, and our unity and relationship in Him will supercede all other relationships. We will become one, never to be separated.

NB: this is part three of a series on singleness, originally published by me on another blog, billy and i.

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1 Response to WARNING: sex may lead to conversation

  1. Pingback: To my single sisters when they ask, Is God trying to teach me something in my singleness? | Meet Jesus at uni

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