depressed, empty and despondent am I…

“Come”

to the cat, 

“let’s be forlorn together.”

 

So they sat and yowled

at the five o’clock news

while the sun slipped away in the west. 

 

 

For those of you not already sick of me banging on about depression (these would be the readers who know me IRL of course… I haven’t actually spoken about it heaps on this blog yet), I just want to say this… 

 

You know those times when you suddenly feel like everything in the world is terrible, and you are alone, but then you don’t even have the energy to feel that? (This may be an infrequent experience for you, purely hormonal, or only occasionally circumstantial.)

 

You know those times when the party has finished and you’ve closed the door on your nearest and dearest and suddenly find yourself in an empty house, alone: the particular feeling that arises then?

 

You know those times when you’ve come back from a great weekend away, or holiday, or whatever, and suddenly feel an incredible and devastating sense of loss for a thing that wasn’t even there anyway?

 

These are those times for me. All rolled into one. 

 

At the moment, a little adrenaline is getting me through each day, and then it fades, by story time, and I haven’t done the things I wanted to do yet, and I’m tired, too tired to cry.

 

So I’m sorry I haven’t written a proper blog post about when friends betray you, as promised on air on Wednesday. I haven’t kept up with the radio spots, and the 2.3 people who read this blog because they’ve heard me there will now be slightly confused as to whether they’ve come to the right place at all. You have, friends, but you may have to wait til tomorrow. 

 

And I’m sorry to all the people I cannot do for at the moment, I love and appreciate you, and at the bottom of my bottom, I do remember and wish I could be more. 

 

And finally I’m sorry to the vermillion and blue, soft grey and dappled green of this beautiful sky, the peace of this slow traffic route, the starkness of the poplar branches. I’m sorry I can’t enjoy you as I should…

 

Peace and love, 

 

🙂 Jo

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3 Responses to depressed, empty and despondent am I…

  1. prayers for you as you walk through the valley. x

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  2. Kitty says:

    Jo, Thank you.

    I know that’s not the normal response to an apology, and I know that you and I are hardly ‘friends’ in the closest aspect of the word (perhaps ‘old acquaintances who are bonded by Christ’ is a better term). But I truly want to thank you for this post.

    I have found it incredibly hard to express to others the true depths of feeling that depression can bring. Perhaps my God given optimism disguises it, or my passion for certain topics is seen as an innate passion for life. Whatever it is, I know that my words cannot express my experience because my actions do not.

    It is a struggle. A daily war between truth and feeling, between what I want and what I really want. There is always guilt because there is always duty. A duty to do what a Christian is expected to do. Or, perhaps, just the duty that a friend expects of another friend; time and energy – attention. There are always things to be done, people to serve, dreams and desires to long for. And none are unwanted. It is the struggle that is hated. The bare fact that these things are a struggle rather than a joy. It is hard.

    But that is why I say thank you. 🙂
    There is a blessing given by God to those who suffer, and it is in the simple love and joy of finding that you are not alone. That no matter the depths of despair, there are others there – hidden by the shadows of the valley of death.

    So thank you my sister, for the gift of your company in suffering. Thank you for your honesty, your compassion, your pain. Though I may not share in your trials I too look up at the sky and mourn for the beauty, wonder and opportunity there that I cannot enjoy as it deserves to be enjoyed.

    May God give you peace in suffering, knowledge that he understands, and trust that he will carry you home. May he grant that my silent shuffling and stumbling through the valley be a comfort to you as yours has been to me. May you be refreshed in Spirit by knowing that in your weakness you have served me more than you could have done in strength.

    Blessings to you, in the name of our Lord and Saviour, Christ Jesus, who deserves glory and praise forever and ever, Amen.

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