One of the parts of growing yourself up is finding out your flaws, weaknesses and foibles and working on them. I have a few things that I can’t tell if they’re personality, nurture, trauma or even a “real” problem… But one of them is an inability to write things down publicly.
This may seem odd coming from a person with a blog, but in a sense, one of the reasons my output on my blog is so infrequent is this inability to commit to the written word.
I think all the time about things I could write about on the blog, but I don’t end up actually writing them down. Some personality profiles explain that this is because Type 5s or INTPs grow bored quickly once they’ve figured something out and want to move on to other things. I know that’s part of it, but this is often balanced by a desire to share knowledge, to teach, to interest other people in the things interesting me.
I think part of it is a fear that written words are so much more substantial than the guff I fluff on with every day, all the time, and the responsibility and accountability of that is intimidating.
But whatever it is, I’m also constantly urged to write. Which is flattering, and exciting, but also very interesting to me. I certainly feel that I’ve always been better on my feet, talking. But writing is a way to get information further than just one temporal audience, so there is an attraction to it.
This happens though to touch against one of my other foibles which is a lack of confidence that I have something useful to say. Again, this may surprise you. I have a blog, I’ve given sermons, I seem a confident and competent person, surely I think I’m as qualified and deserving as any to share my thoughts in public.
But I don’t.
I won’t bore you with all the reasons for that – safe to say for at least two years now I’ve been trying to adopt the mantra “be as confident as a mediocre, middle-aged white man”. Not because all middle-aged white men are mediocre, but surely we can all admit there are plenty of them, and research on everything from how often men verbally dominate women in meetings and constantly interrupt them, to how much and how frequently men are paid more than women for the exact same job proves it. There are many mediocre men spilling ink and waffling on in front of congregations and audiences all over the world with the self-assurance of a King announcing a holiday to a happy populace. So, if they can do it, so can I.
Therefore, I’ve decided to publicly commit (oops!) to updating the blog at least once a week (it’ll be Thursdays or Fridays) until the end of the year and see how that goes.
Fortunately, if I’m reaaaalllllly stuck for content, I can post a picture of my cat to general acclaim.
Next week, some real thoughts. On… Something!